Relationship Blues

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Relationship Blues by Jewel Diamond Taylor

Falling in and out of love can make you dizzy.

It’s a sign that you are addicted to some kind of crazeeeee love.

Maybe it really isn’t love.

Some people just like the idea of being in love.

If you’re FALLING in and out of love,

Stop and check yourself.

If you’re

falling,

is that love?

If the one you love causes you to fall and isn’t lifting you up…it ain’t love!

If the one you love doesn’t come home…it ain’t love!

If the one you love doesn’t answer the phone… it ain’t love!

If the one you love is using and abusing you ... it ain't love!

If your life is on hold and you can’t eat, sleep, work, study or pray...it ain’t love!

If the one you love ain’t loving you in return, stop in the name of love.

Love yourself before you give your heart, body and soul away again.

If a man wants you... nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you... nothing can make him stay.

The 5 Stages of Grief were defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying". The 5 Stages define the process a bereaved person must go through in order to resolve their grief. Grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional and an individual process that can never be "one size fits all." The five stages are:

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

When divorce or a breakup happens, it is still a loss even though someone didn't die. You will still go through a grief process to heal. In my "How to Love with a Smart Heart" relationships seminars and my grief seminars "New Chapers" I share the following 5 stages of grief women and men go through when a breakup or divorce happens:

Denial - Oh, he/she will call --- he/she is just busy---we've been too together so long --- it can't be over --- I don't "see" any red flags.
Anger - how dare he/she do this to me! - -- after all I've given and sacrificed. Who does he think he is? I feel like a fool! I want revenge. I want him/her to hurt like I hurt.
Bargaining - Can't we at least be friends? --- ok I'll do whatever you want.
Depression - I can't breathe - I can't get up - I'm staring at the phone, I can't eat - I can't think - what did I do wrong? - what's wrong with me?

5) Acceptance - My faith, self- esteem and courage are restored. Sometimes you love and sometimes you learn. Even though it hurts so bad, I must remember that everyone hurts in some way. I don't have to live like a victim. My emotional maturity happens when I learn to live with some unanswered questions. It is -- what it is - -- and I'm ready to get back into life. I will not let these negative fears and emotions ruin and control my life. I still may have some hard days ahead but I will rise above this. I can't control what others do or feel but I can control how I respond to this closing chapter in my life story. I'm taking my power and self- respect back. Better days are ahead. Peace and joy are important for my healing. I deserve more and I'm ready to let the light back into my life. I am a beautiful, whole, divine and precious child of God. I'm a good person and I won't let this experience hurt me anymore because I see now --- that what I thought was rejection --- is really God's protection --- leading me in a new direction. Hallelujah!!!!!

"It don't hurt anymore. All my teardrops are dried. No more walkin' the floor with that burnin' inside -- just to think it could be. Time has opened the door and at last I am free. I don't hurt anymore. No use to deny I wanted to die the day you said we were through. But now that I find you're out of my mind, I can't believe that it's true. I've forgotten somehow that I cared so before and it's wonderful now I don't hurt anymore" ~ song "I don't hurt anymore" by Martina McBride

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Topics covered in this powerful truth-telling book are:

u Bag Lady

u Who taught you about relationships?

u Don’t sing these sad songs any more.

u Who let the dogs out?

u Are you asking the right questions?

u Signs of healthy love

u Affirmation for singles

u Prescriptions from the Self-esteem Dr.

u I will survive

" Desperation is a terrible perfume to wear. I say this all the time in my relationships workshops. This led to publishing my book of the same title. This is a compilation of my workshop notes and relationship healing affirmations.

As a result of my mail, phone calls, e-mails, counseling, retreats and my own family and friends, I have spent time with many sisterfriends who are “going through.” They have what Diana Ross sang about ..."a sweet hangover". A woman's heart and hormones are telling her one thing and her mind and spirit are telling her something else. She is caught in a tug of war between her emotions and her good sense, between what she wants to do and what she should do.

She feels lonely, angry, vulnerable and mad at herself for ignoring the red lights and flags that waved to warn her that this relationship is headed for trouble. In her chagrin she says, “How could I be so smart in one area of my life and yet so blind and weak in others? How could I have it so together in one part of my life and the rest of it is a mess?”

After the crying, honesty, praying, releasing and even some laughter, I've seen women able to see that most of her anger is really toward herself. She begins to realize that she was leaving the door open for more drama and pain because of the little games they play just to stay connected in hopes that maybe … just maybe the relationship won't end.

I have also had my share of relationship blunders and blues. Some women can be smart with their money and foolish with their heart. And there are those who are smart with their heart and foolish with their money. She can be smart in her career and weak in managing her home life. She can feel successful in her personal home life and feel like a failure at work. The list of contradictions and the tension of opposites goes on

Once a woman realizes her worth and her role in the madness,

the madness can stop.

A broken heart can be harder to heal than a broken bone.

But it can begin to heal once...

1) you see how you are allowing, promoting, creating or contributing to the problem because of your financial needs, insecurities, low self-esteem, denial, melancholy sentiments, romance addiction, pride, martyr syndrome, doormat syndrome or savior syndrome

2) you accept the fact that you cannot change, rescue or make someone love you.

3) you stop compromising your sanity, health, spiritual values, finances, credit, joy, self-esteem, dreams and peace of mind.

4) forgive yourself, throw away the pain and keep the lesson.

5) you have emotional boundaries drawing a line that allows NO craziness, abuse or temptation to cross.

6) you find safe harbors of friendships, counseling and spiritual support to heal your brokenness.

7) you sincerely ask for God’s help to be free of the pain and old emotional patterns.

Has someone told you that you're crowding their space? Has the thrill gone but you're still trying to hold on? I know it's hard letting go. But as you pick up the pieces of your self-esteem and pride you'll realize that being with someone who doesn't want to be with you is insane. Give your heart some time to heal but listen to your head. You'll know when it's time to move on and move out. Pain happens in everyone's life, but misery is optional. You deserve to be loved and respected. Discover your voice and your value because you teach others how to treat you.

If you're recovering from a broken heart, there are things you can do to lessen the pain.

Share your feelings. Sharing your feelings with someone you trust may help you to feel better. That could mean simply talking with a friend or family member. For some, letting the tears flow seems to help them heal faster. For others, simply hanging out together and doing things you normally enjoy, like seeing a movie or going to a concert, can be comforting. Talk with others who have gone through what you are going through. I also have a CD message and I facilitate group sessions for women. Find a support group in your area.

Take good care of yourself. A broken heart can be very stressful. But don't let the rest of your body get broken, too. Get lots of sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly to minimize stress and depression and give your self-esteem a boost. When your heart is heavy with anger and sadness, it really can affect your heart physically. Be sure to: get some form of exercise, take vitamin E, minimize fatty and fried foods, express and release your anger in a healthy way, enjoy nature and laugh as much as possible. Humor is healing.

Remember what's good about you. Sometimes people with broken hearts start to blame themselves for what's happened. They may be really down on themselves, exaggerating their faults as though they did something to deserve the unhappiness they're experiencing. If you find this happening to you, stop it! Bad stuff happens to good people all the time. There are mysteries in life that you may never understand or deserve. Remind yourself of your good qualities, and if you can't think of them because your broken heart is clouding your view, get your friends to help you remember what's good about you.

Keep yourself busy. Sometimes this is difficult when you're coping with sadness and grief, but it really helps. This is a great time to redecorate your room, try a new hobby, go on trip. Depression is sneaky, subtle and can consume you in darkness. Cancel your pity party and take back your power, joy, self-esteem and self-respect.

Pray about it. Ask the Lord to slap that bitter taste out of your mouth. Believe that the Lord can deliver you from the stress, pain, anger and depression. Pray believing and willing to see yourself as a whole, loving, capable and resilient man or woman. Pray for the discernment, wisdom and courage to begin your new season of life. Pray for everyone who is affected by your break up, separation or divorce (i.e. children and other family members). Pray for the right words and right actions to keep you mind stayed on forgiveness, peace, love, grace, faith, joy and wisdom.

Give yourself time. A heart can be slow to change. You gave your all and you were caught by surprise. Your heart and soul are black and blue. It takes time for sadness to go away. Keep the lesson but throw away your pain. Don't wish for someone to come back into your life who doesn't love and honor you. Don't be afraid of being alone. Trust God for your provision and healing. Trust yourself that you will be able to get up again and move on with your life wiser, stronger, better and not bitter. Almost everyone thinks they won't feel normal again, but the human spirit is amazing and the heart almost always heals after a while. But how long will that take? That depends on what caused your heartbroken feeling - and on how you deal with loss and how quickly you tend to bounce back from things. Mending a broken heart can take from a couple of days to many weeks - and sometimes even months. Brighter days are ahead for you . The sun will shine again.

~ The Self-esteem Dr. Jewel Diamond Taylor, Motivational speaker and author

Permission is granted to republish this article on your website on condition that you include the author byline with web site hyperlinks.

SPEAK LIFE by Joe Pace (Colorado Mass Choir)

Have you ever been in a dry place
couldn't show it on your face?

You cry inside Lord tell my why
that relationship now broken
so many hurts unspoken
and you die inside and say "Lord tell me why."

Night after night you pray
still nothing seems to ever change.
Remember God's Word is true.
He knows the plans for you.
By faith this is what you must do.

Just speak life to it
Just speak life through it
Knowing God's not a man
that He should lie
Just hold on to it
Just go on through it
To ev'ry dry bone in your valley
Just speak life

Whatever happened to your dreams?
You struggle with your self esteem
and you cry inside Lord tell me why
Frustration always on your mind
There's been no joy for quite some time
and you die inside , "Lord tell me why?"

Night after night…

You may not see it right now
Still you must believe that somehow
God will work it out
Though your bones may seem dry

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